Michael Jackson is Dead

Michael Jackson died on June 25, 2009 of a massive heart attack. What did you expect, a heart can only pump for so long especially when it is trying to pump blood through plastic. Ok bad, joke. However, that was the first thing that went through my mind when I found out he was dead, was a bad joke.

Yes, Michael Jackson changed music and music videos forever, he inspired many to follow their dreams of dance, and even I had a flash back or two of 6th grade when Thriller was at its top, but to cry and wail and associate hearing of his death to JFK, by saying you will never forget where you were when you found out Wacko Jacko was dead. Give me a fucking break, stupid.

I have watched news reports about where they talk about the great legacy of Michael Jackson. They say he will be remembered for his contributions to music and dance, but they don't mention that he will also be remembered for being a complete freak. Because of this, I did a quick search on the Internet for some bad Michael Jackson jokes, and included them here with a few of my own.

Q: What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and the other you carry your groceries in.

Q: What is black and comes in a little white can?
A: Michael Jackson.

Q: How can you tell if Michael Jackson has a hot date?
A: There’s a big wheel parked outside his house.

Q: Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year olds?
A: Because there are twenty of them.

Q: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A: From a catalogue.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
A: He thought it was a delivery service.

Prince Michael Jackson, Jr. – you know in a few years they’ll probably change his name to: The Child Formerly Known as Michael Jackson’s Baby.

“Johnny Cochran died and had a funeral. You know who was at the funeral; both O.J. Simpson and Michael Jackson. In fact, Michael cornered O.J. and said, ‘How do you get stains off a glove?’” ~Bill Maher

“What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Dick Cheney? One has pasty white skin, fake body parts and he’s creepy; the other’s Michael Jackson.”
~ Jay Leno

“The judge in the Michael Jackson child molestation trial selected 250 candidates for the jury pool, while Jackson himself has selected 20 for the kiddie pool.” ~ Amy Poehler

Did you hear that due to Michael Jackson being 90% plasic, they are going to melt him down and mold him into legos? Now children can play with him for a change.

When Priests, Rabbi and ministers around the world prayed to God for him to save the children, I don't think they meant for him to kill Michael Jackson.

For more Michael Jackson jokes, go to the following websites.

• http://www.funnyandjokes.com/


• http://www.tonsoflaughs.faketrix.com/funny-jokes-Michael-Jackson.htm

Ringback Tones

What exactly is a ringback tone you ask? When you call someone, it is a song played in place of the standard ringing you would hear while waiting for that person to pick up or getting the persons voicemail. In other words it is an annoying technological advancement in cell phone services marketed toward teenagers, young adults and stupid people who think it is cool.

Depending on what is considered popular music at the time and the service provider, almost any song is available to have as a ringback tone. If you are a normal mature adult who wants to take advantage of this service, you will choose music that is pleasant to everyone, nothing too hard, maybe something classical and tasteful. But if you are a member of a group that this service is market to, then watch out. Having the wrong music can actually not get you a job. I should know this, not because I have this service and didn't get a job because of it, but because I personally have not hired people because of their ringback tone. A bad ringback tone is unprofessional and the sign of an idiot.

I once ran a security company, and part of my many, many duties was to hire new employees. I would put ads on Craigslist and would sometimes have many well qualified people apply. When it came to calling people for interviews, no matter how qualified a person was, if I was forced to listen to music I didn't like, I would hang up and call someone else.

I know that I can sometimes be an asshole and that I expect a lot from my employees or those who would be potential employees, however, I know I am not the only person out there that hates ringback tones, and I know that I am not the only person who has not hired someone because of their ringback tone. That said, and I know I maybe taking this a little far, but ringback tones have the potential to help in the continued rise of our unemployment rate.

Now taking that a step further, if everyone who had a horrid ringback tone was not hired, they eventually would not be able to pay their phone bill and their service would be canceled. If this trend continued, stupid ringback tones would eventually go away. So there is hope. However, until then we are stuck listening to shitty songs like "Do the Stanky Leg" when waiting for a stupid person to pick up.

Stupid Girls

I posted this on a bouncer forum, but I had to reprint it here since this is where I therapeutically vent about stupid people.

Along with hospital security, I also work in bar security (bouncer) as well. This isn't really an exciting story where I took on 5 people all by myself and survived, its just a short story about how stupid the future leaders (how cliché) of this country can be.

I was working the door the other night and noticed a group of girls crossing the street from the parking lot over to the club. There were probably 5 or 6 of them. When the girls reached the club side of the street they stopped at the sidewalk. And don't assume they actually stepped onto the sidewalk, they stopped when they got to it. Slowly but surely, one or two of them stepped on to the sidewalk and out of the street but the bulk of them stayed in the street. Now mind you this is normally a busy street and they were standing in it.

It took everything I had not to say anything right off the bat. I wanted to see how long it would take for them to migrate onto the sidewalk, but after one of them almost got hit by a passing car and they still didn't move, I had to speak up. I told the girls "For your own safety you should probably be on the sidewalk" since they obviously didn't get it themselves. Their reaction, they looked at me like I was an idiot.

Nuf said.

A Doctor, Really?

My 40 hour a week profession is working security in one of the major hospitals in Portland. Last winter I worked double shifts at the hospital for a couple days in a row while spending the night at the hospital so our department was properly staffed because some people could not come to work.

I was working a day shift in dispatch when I got a call from a doctor who lived in the furthest reaches of Tigard. The hospital was offering free rides to employees by picking them up at home and taking them to work and then taking them back home at the end of their shift. However, those employees had to be within 10 miles of the hospital. This doctor was way outside the 10 mile limit and I informed the doctor of this. I told the doctor if she took the bus, we could pick her up at a bus stop or transit center closer to the hospital. The doctor told me that she was at least a mile away from the nearest bus stop and didn't know when the bus ran. After several minutes on the phone giving the doctor information on how to find out bus times and going over the different options, the doctor all of a sudden got an attitude and said in a teenagerish winy voice "But how am I going to get to work?"

Really!?! You are a fucking doctor. You went to school for 12+ years and you can't figure out how to get to work on a snowy day. Give me a fucking break!!!!

I so wanted to say that to her and so much more, but I was in hospital mode with means I smile and try to be polite. I explained to her that those were her available options, and that if she couldn't make it in due to the weather, then she should probably call her boss and let them know. She hung up on me in frustration.

You would think that someone who decided to go into medicine and become a doctor would have enough intelligence to figure out how to get to work when it snows. Especially when you are living in the Northwest where it snows, rains and is sunny enough to get a tan all in the same day. But that takes common sense, and as we all know lack of common sense is an IQ killer.

Sometimes Children Deserve to be Spanked

For some reason my wife has me watching E! News and for some reason I didn't get up and walk out of the room...

So Ryan Seacrest and some other TV personality chick are talking about these "Shocking" photos of Kate from “John and Kate + 8” spanking her daughter and how maybe these pictures are hurting the ratings to their TLC show.

Guess what you unmarried, non-child having morons, it's called reality TV. In reality kids who disrespect their parents or continue doing things that a parent tells them to stop doing get spanked. It's "Shocking" because people are afraid to discipline their children now a days. It’s because of nosy people who have no children who turn them into the police or take pictures to put their actions on TV or in print. Besides John and Kate's show is dropping ratings because John is a pussy and Kate is a bitch and the media eats that shit up.

Not that I would want to be on Kate's side, but I do support her comment stating that the way she disciplines her children is her business. You go girl. Any parent that thinks spanking a child is abuse, you are the stupid moron. It is not abuse. Abuse is hitting with a closed fist, drawing blood, or breaking bones. A spanking is a painfully uncomfortable and temporary physical representation of the word NO. Spankings simply leave a welt that go away in a few minutes. Young skin is pliable that way.

Being a parent does not mean you are your kids best friend. That's called Friendship, not Parenthood. You bring a child into this world; you need to teach them to be responsible, respectful, and to be disciplined. If this requires a spanking every now and then, so be it. A good spanking is healthy for a child, and just about as traumatic as watching a recent Steven Segal movie. Well, maybe a little less traumatic.

I got spanked when I was growing up and I deserved it. Do I feel that I need hours of physiological help because of it. No. I turned out just fine. And so did quite a few of the people I grew up and went to school with. So did everyone else that came before us. But for some reason today’s children are irresponsible, disrespectful and have no discipline. Could it be because their butts weren't beaten with a switch, wooden spoon or bare hand. Maybe.

I see too many kids coming into the emergency department because their stupid ass parents think they have mental issues. Only about 5% of these kids really have issues, the other kids lack discipline and respect. If these kids just got a spanking or two so they would know that the parents were the boss and what their limits were, they wouldn't be in the ED.

My parents got spanked, I got spanked, I spanked my kids and will do so no matter what age they are and they know it; and I hope my grandkids get spanked. Do you know why? Sometimes children deserve to be spanked.

All Shapes and Sizes

To begin, I have to point out what categorizes a stupid person. They come in all shapes and sizes, from all different races, and from every class and caste level. It doesn't matter where you were born or where you grew up you can still be stupid.

Being stupid does not mean you have a low IQ or have not been to school, I have met people with PhD's that are dumber than a three year old. It is all based on common sense and how you use that sense. Now a days I notice that people don't think before they speak, or act for that matter. They have problems paying attention even when there are no other distractions, which means they don't listen or have ADD; which is something I don't believe in. But that is something we can talk about later.

Why this is a problem now and not before, I don't know. Or maybe that it has always been a problem and is just now (with in the last 10 or so years) becoming evident. Or it could be that years and years ago there were only a few stupid people and some how they were able to reproduce and this is why we have such a problem today. Not sure what the factors are, but the fact is that there are a lot of stupid fucking people out there and I have to deal with them everyday.